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It's probably obvious I have a few specific thoughts on my mind. Oh, but I do. ;)
Last week, I had a mental breakdown. I keep trying to explain it to myself, and a few other people, and to be honest, I do a bad job. I think it's best to simply say, I was morbidly depressed and suicidal, because of my own thoughts. I know there were satanic powers telling me lies. I am so shocked now by what my thoughts were, how I felt and what I was convinced of. It is terrifying.
I think it happened because of things I went through, yes, bad choices and mistakes I made for over 4 years, and being around demonic thoughts for that long. Not only am I incredibly confused by what real care and love look like, I have a severe weakness now, and Satan knows it. He spoke his lies to me through someone else for so long, and now that I left that situation, he just keeps the damage going in my own mind. I know it is him and not me, and after this last experience, I know I can't stand up to him. I'm so helpless against him - I've never felt so helpless before, so completely unable to defend or protect myself. The Lord is the only one that can save me, that has, did and does.
I have to truly depend on Him completely, and He is protecting me. That thought is something I keep saying to myself, and I love that it is slowly becoming more "truth" to me.
With that in mind, I have been writing down my thoughts in a notebook, and taking each one before the Lord. It isn't anything special, it's so simple and childishly truthful that it's embarrassing, but it's a tool I believe He is using to heal me. And I'll be honest, it really helps. I'm proud of myself for doing it (a big deal), and I kinda wanna share some of it on here.
Just so you know, I kinda feel stupid for being so dramatic. But at the same time, I don't feel like I'm being dramatic enough! Like, seriously- I was a basket case a few days ago, ready to drive my car off the road, because I was convinced I was unloved. That's kinda dramatic =P. Even more dramatic is the difference between that state of mind and my mind currently, when I'm actually believing and trusting God.
Anyways, life is dramatic ;).